I'm sitting here at my desk posting one political entry then writing and posting another, shorter one. Don't worry that it's going to be all politics all of the time because my brain might explode. (Every time I write something like that about how I feel after too much concentration, I wonder when it will happen literally.) While writing and making up for time lost to technical issues last night, I have been nursing tiny pieces of one of the world's great chocolate bars. I have loved Hershey's "Special Dark" mildly sweet chocolate since the first time my father let me try a bite of his.
As I sat here letting each tiny piece melt into my mouth, I thought of my beloved Wifey. She bought me the "Special Dark" bar and the almost as good "Krackle" bar as a small wedding anniversary gift. She bought me my two favorite chocolate bars but didn't deliver them on our actual anniversary. I can't be absolutely sure but I believe that I was in bad shape that day. It was less than a week after my most recent pain doc appointment so I was suffering from that. At some point afterward, several more teeth broke off leaving me in howling agony. Her trip out to get me whiskey probably saved my sanity. Her acceptance of my desperate methods kept me from spiraling down into guilt about it.
Now, we find ourselves in a situation that must be handled carefully. (Oh, thank God! I just realized that one entire wing of this crisis was simply a remembered nightmare. No matter how poorly we've gotten along, I'd never be happy to see my parents dead. Stupid nightmares are so impossibly realistic!) On top of the precarious situation, I found myself looking at a nightmare scenario. We had essentially no food and I had no whiskey plus the weather forecast is a weekend of cold weather and rain after our mini-heat wave. I was going to spend a few days in horrible agony while also hungry and everything my imagination could cook up.
I brought up this nightmare scenario to my beloved last night to prepare her for everything she might hear. That's when she told me that she saw this coming while I was still crushed by the last bout. She bought me what I needed when she got my medicine last week. The pharmacy and insurance company combined to make sure that I was short one day on my super-dangerous narcotic. The insurance company decided that my 28 day screipt couldn't be filled until the day I would run out. My beloved wifey had to work from before the location I'm permitted to use opened for the day until after they closed. All I could do was ration the medicine and so it worked out alright but there was residual pain.
Two days later, she saw this crisis coming and bought me whiskey that she kept hidden in the car. Now, I don't drink every day though it might seem that way so a couple of days without any is nothing to worry about in decent weather. When I'm stressed like I am over our big problem, I would be tempted to have a drink to help me sleep in the morning but it was out of sight/out of mind. She knew all of this and knew how badly I'd react to a cold and rainy Saturday.
For too many reasons to state, she is simply the best and I'm so lucky to have her.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The Democratic "First in the South" Forum
I went into watching this forum as a Hillary Clinton supporter and I came out of it as...a Hillary Clinton supporter. These are just a few thoughts I had while watching the forum. First of all, Rachel Maddow was a different sort of moderator. All three candidates dodged her questions and she made specific note of it to all three of them. I suspect that the Republican field would have been crying after this awful treatment.
Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley came off as a cross between a boxer desperate to knock an opponent out in the final round and an overly eager cartoon kid desperate to please his teacher. He didn't care if he knocked out Secretary Clinton, Senator Sanders or Rachel Maddow as long as he tagged someone. His constant flailing made his lack of anything different to say made me resent him. He refused to answer the question asked about his legacy which consisted of losing a lot of ground in his state to Republicans. A simple yes to the part about the party going on to lose after he was term limited would have allowed him to pivot to his preferred point. Instead, he flailed at Rachel.
Senator Bernie Sanders has been a sad story for me during this election cycle. He is a real character but most of what he shows you is rage. He will start off with an affable greeting but, mid-handshake, his upper lip starts to quiver and I can imagine spittle or froth forming at the edges. He answers every question with answers I tend to agree with but his hatred of his "billionaire class" is too plain on his face. He crystalized my biggest criticism of him with a criticism he made of Clinton. He accused her of having no backup plan and I realized that was what bothered me so much about him. I cannot see him fighting for his plan, having every Republican vote against him and then coming back looking for half a loaf. He strikes me as a bit of a fanatic and, yes, it takes one to know one. It would disqualify me for high office and I believe it does the same to him. Bernie has disappointed me.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came into the forum as my favorite but I didn't expect to be impressed. Boy was I pleasantly surprised! Clinton looked Presidential while also approachable and friendly. She dodged one or two of Rachel's questions but hid the dodges in flows of information. She declined to dive into the sewer to attack Trump when given the chance. Her two giant advantages came across as natural phenomonon: her great experience gained from a lifetime of public service and the frontrunner's ability to stay above the fray. It was beautiful.
Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley came off as a cross between a boxer desperate to knock an opponent out in the final round and an overly eager cartoon kid desperate to please his teacher. He didn't care if he knocked out Secretary Clinton, Senator Sanders or Rachel Maddow as long as he tagged someone. His constant flailing made his lack of anything different to say made me resent him. He refused to answer the question asked about his legacy which consisted of losing a lot of ground in his state to Republicans. A simple yes to the part about the party going on to lose after he was term limited would have allowed him to pivot to his preferred point. Instead, he flailed at Rachel.
Senator Bernie Sanders has been a sad story for me during this election cycle. He is a real character but most of what he shows you is rage. He will start off with an affable greeting but, mid-handshake, his upper lip starts to quiver and I can imagine spittle or froth forming at the edges. He answers every question with answers I tend to agree with but his hatred of his "billionaire class" is too plain on his face. He crystalized my biggest criticism of him with a criticism he made of Clinton. He accused her of having no backup plan and I realized that was what bothered me so much about him. I cannot see him fighting for his plan, having every Republican vote against him and then coming back looking for half a loaf. He strikes me as a bit of a fanatic and, yes, it takes one to know one. It would disqualify me for high office and I believe it does the same to him. Bernie has disappointed me.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came into the forum as my favorite but I didn't expect to be impressed. Boy was I pleasantly surprised! Clinton looked Presidential while also approachable and friendly. She dodged one or two of Rachel's questions but hid the dodges in flows of information. She declined to dive into the sewer to attack Trump when given the chance. Her two giant advantages came across as natural phenomonon: her great experience gained from a lifetime of public service and the frontrunner's ability to stay above the fray. It was beautiful.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Still Flipping Out
I'm still upset about all the bad things that are happening to my country. A Republican devoted to little more than collapsing what few government services that exist in Kentucky has been elected governor. This is the state where kids are trying to live on five or ten federally funded meals per week. That's the federal program providing free breakfast and/or lunch to kids each day during the school year. Presuming that their parents have the usual drive to preserve and protect the next generation, you have to wonder how badly the parents are suffering.
There was a profile on TV about a volunteer program where people donated food and time to send as many of these suffering kids as possible home with a nutritious meal for the weekend. Let's just say that someone misspoke or a heard wrong and that is one meal per weekend day. During school vacations and the summer, these wonderful selfless souls provide meals for those same kids every day. They don't get as far because federal funding for social programs is always getting cut. There's no way that "family values" conservatives would vote to protect children from starvation.
Now, one of those guys numbering among the worst of the worst is governor-elect. You can forget about any state funds beings appropriated to help the poor kids and their suffering parents. All that money is needed to pretend that the federal government and not simple economics is sinking the coal miners. The rich company presidents and stockholders continue to make a killing. The main difference will be that children with lung problems won't be able to see a doctor until the people get their heads out of the sand and realize that Kynect = Obamacare = the Affordable Care Act. You can bet the Republicans won't be spending any money making that people know that!
Okay. That's enough about the Republicans. Well, it isn't enough but I do hope to sleep eventually. My real anger is reserved for the Democratic Party since the Republicans can't actually disappoint me. Kentucky had 30% turnout statewide in a year with their governor's mansion up for grabs. The Democratic Party loses midterm and odd year elections for financial reasons. There is too much attention paid to the White House if the state parties are left to rot in comparison and they are. If, like me, you are getting endless letters from the DNC begging for money, you have a right to feel fed up. If, unlike me, you have some money to invest in the future of our government, give directly to your state and local parties.
Former Governor Dean of Vermont actually explained the "50 state strategy" he espoused during his term as DNC chair. Under Chairman Dean, the DNC provided each state with the funds to hire and train a small professional political staff. Each state would be responsible for training its own staff with these funds but that was a benefit. Obviously, strategies used in small rural states might be ineffective in large urban areas. Unfortunately, Dean's long term broad strategy was tossed aside with the election of President Obama and those who rode his coattails if not before that. The White House is one of those political operations that can use every political dollar that comes its way.
It seems to make sense because President Obama is such an effective messenger with a great message. Unfortunately, half the country became deranged at his election. Then Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell declared that his number one policy objective was defeating the President. The monolithic Republican minorities in both the House and Senate obstructed the President every step of the way while Democrats were free to vote their consciences. This led to enough Democratic defections to dilute the Senate supermajority we held so briefly. Why? When polled time after time, the right wanted ideological purity while the left asked for compromise. My own rep and Senators love to send out emails bragging about "reaching across the aisle." I wonder how much the price of Bactine went up with all those biting and stabbing wounds.
No, you can stop even a great President from carrying out his agenda with a 50 state strategy. What does the money go to in the states? There is no such thing as a cheap race anymore. In states with the new draconian anti-voting laws, you could put gas in cars, buses and vans to bring minorities, the disabled and the elderly to these obscure places where the new IDs can be obtained. You can rent the office space where the volunteers make their voter contacts. Unless they're highly motivated like I am, it's been shown that voters may require six or eight separate contacts over two years to turn out reliably. That includes things like direct mail, doorhanging, door knocking, neighbor to neighbor persuasion and the ubiquitous phone calls asking you to vote. On a bad weather Election Day, some of those funds can go to digging out the polling places or for the purchase of umbrellas to help protect our more vulnerable voters.
I'm just using some common sense here. Trained staffs could accomplish so much more. They did so for President Obama and they will work 50 different ways in the states.
There was a profile on TV about a volunteer program where people donated food and time to send as many of these suffering kids as possible home with a nutritious meal for the weekend. Let's just say that someone misspoke or a heard wrong and that is one meal per weekend day. During school vacations and the summer, these wonderful selfless souls provide meals for those same kids every day. They don't get as far because federal funding for social programs is always getting cut. There's no way that "family values" conservatives would vote to protect children from starvation.
Now, one of those guys numbering among the worst of the worst is governor-elect. You can forget about any state funds beings appropriated to help the poor kids and their suffering parents. All that money is needed to pretend that the federal government and not simple economics is sinking the coal miners. The rich company presidents and stockholders continue to make a killing. The main difference will be that children with lung problems won't be able to see a doctor until the people get their heads out of the sand and realize that Kynect = Obamacare = the Affordable Care Act. You can bet the Republicans won't be spending any money making that people know that!
Okay. That's enough about the Republicans. Well, it isn't enough but I do hope to sleep eventually. My real anger is reserved for the Democratic Party since the Republicans can't actually disappoint me. Kentucky had 30% turnout statewide in a year with their governor's mansion up for grabs. The Democratic Party loses midterm and odd year elections for financial reasons. There is too much attention paid to the White House if the state parties are left to rot in comparison and they are. If, like me, you are getting endless letters from the DNC begging for money, you have a right to feel fed up. If, unlike me, you have some money to invest in the future of our government, give directly to your state and local parties.
Former Governor Dean of Vermont actually explained the "50 state strategy" he espoused during his term as DNC chair. Under Chairman Dean, the DNC provided each state with the funds to hire and train a small professional political staff. Each state would be responsible for training its own staff with these funds but that was a benefit. Obviously, strategies used in small rural states might be ineffective in large urban areas. Unfortunately, Dean's long term broad strategy was tossed aside with the election of President Obama and those who rode his coattails if not before that. The White House is one of those political operations that can use every political dollar that comes its way.
It seems to make sense because President Obama is such an effective messenger with a great message. Unfortunately, half the country became deranged at his election. Then Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell declared that his number one policy objective was defeating the President. The monolithic Republican minorities in both the House and Senate obstructed the President every step of the way while Democrats were free to vote their consciences. This led to enough Democratic defections to dilute the Senate supermajority we held so briefly. Why? When polled time after time, the right wanted ideological purity while the left asked for compromise. My own rep and Senators love to send out emails bragging about "reaching across the aisle." I wonder how much the price of Bactine went up with all those biting and stabbing wounds.
No, you can stop even a great President from carrying out his agenda with a 50 state strategy. What does the money go to in the states? There is no such thing as a cheap race anymore. In states with the new draconian anti-voting laws, you could put gas in cars, buses and vans to bring minorities, the disabled and the elderly to these obscure places where the new IDs can be obtained. You can rent the office space where the volunteers make their voter contacts. Unless they're highly motivated like I am, it's been shown that voters may require six or eight separate contacts over two years to turn out reliably. That includes things like direct mail, doorhanging, door knocking, neighbor to neighbor persuasion and the ubiquitous phone calls asking you to vote. On a bad weather Election Day, some of those funds can go to digging out the polling places or for the purchase of umbrellas to help protect our more vulnerable voters.
I'm just using some common sense here. Trained staffs could accomplish so much more. They did so for President Obama and they will work 50 different ways in the states.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Despair Is Tugging At My Ankles
Maybe it will feel better in the morning. I don't know about that but I do know that I won't make the decision to give in. Some people think that this makes me weird but I've drawn a lot of inspiration from Stephen R. Donaldson's work with the Covenant books being the most inspiring of all. I tell myself that I can be proud of myself as long as I don't give in to despair and destroy what I love out of the misguided belief that it would be for the best. No suicide even if I think it would help Melissa because it wouldn't work out that way and I would remove all of my potential for doing some good at the same time. In the books, Donaldson refers to this as desecration with suicide being self desecration which is the worst.
The problem (heh...one problem) is that there are many other things I could be doing wrong by sabotaging myself. Where is the line separating an honest failure to apply resources properly from failing to try? When I look at others in similar situations, I see only people who couldn't do it. They tried to make their move and failed. There's nothing wrong with that. In my case, I fall apart trying to talk about important business on the phone. Melissa does much better but her scheduling calendar has two categoriesL work and sleep. She hasn't had time to help so the problem sits and festers.
Every once in a while, there's a bit of bad news that probably has nothing to do with me. There's no direct connection anyway so that lacking allows the news to sneak up on me. This time, it was a mortality statistic involving white middle aged men. While everyone else is living longer, men in a cohort with a range of 44 to whatever number of years old are dying younger. Let's just pretend that you care and asked about the link to me. Well, the conclusion of this study is these men are dying from pain medication. The news reports went on to cite certain prescriptions that I know are less dangerous than the ones I'm on.
As the usually very intelligent host listed statistics, I tried to place them in context and failed horribly to comfort myself. I take my medication according to the prescriptions. That gives me a considerable amount of protection, of course, so I started to feel better about risky medication. I had one of my little ten second nightmares featuring my doctors taking me off my main pain medication. The doctor who owns the practice offered me a dream apology in that authoritative but not accusatory tone that has gotten us through a crisis oe or a dispute that turned out to be a misunderstanding.
The apology was over having to take me off all my effective pain meds and putting me back on over the counter meds. He explained that it was about "the government" but I understood the dream shorthand. Kids who were trying to get high on their parents' medication were dying. Since their parents refused to be responsible and lock away their meds, I had to give up mine. I was too horrified to react in that dream paralysis. My ultimate fear isn't dying from some unlikely overdose. I fear being left to die very slowly in agony over the course of years. I considered reaching out to a smuggler but the entire station was under a medical embargo. (Somehow, the dream relocated me to "Babylon 5" but I'm just realizing that 12 hours later.) I was left with no alternatives since I was being punished for someone else's crime.
Now, as a liberal Democrat, I am very quick to embrace complexity. People are dying and the fact that many of them were dying from behaving foolishly doesn't matter to me. Well, I suppose it matters some but not as much as it does with others. My difficulty trusting myself has led me to a lot of questions starting with "What if I am an addict and don't know it..." but I've gotten better about suppressing that fear these days. My favorite shrink trusts me as do my medical doctors. Try to protect the sick with addiction folks along with the just plain foolish enough to try getting high once or twice but not at the expense of my suffering.
Governor Christie had some sort of small campaign event about drug addiction within the past few days where he said some sensible things. When a guy like that starts talking sense, you know he's up to something. I don't mean anything illegal or even dishonest per se. It might even make sense in his head but I can all but guarantee you that alternatives to prison for drug offenders will turn into a ban on another whole class of useful medications that can be misused. When that happens, despair will have me by the throat instead of the ankle.
Am I being hypocritical with regard to this versus my positions concerning gun control? That started off as a tough one but I came to the fundamental flaw in the hypocrisy argument. Narcotic medication is not designed to kill people whereas assault rifles and handguns are designed with lethal force against other humans as their primary function. That gives me a leg to stand on in any case.
My arguments may be decent but the outlook for this nation isn't. The Republicans have started up on "entitlement reform" again which is code for hurting those of us who need Social Security or Social Security Disability for most or all of our income. The last trick involved an attempt to combine the two major Social Security programs so that the disabled and the elderly would have to fight it out over the same dollars. This is a tricky little move because it takes advantage of voting patterns and human nature.
Do I believe that the elderly are out to starve the disabled? That's a complicated question because there's more to it than meets the eye. I do not believe that any single senior citizen would take one dollar away from me. Generally, I believe that individuals are honest but there will be plenty of dog whistles and lines between the lines. Think of how dishonest Social Security related ads are already. Every five minutes or so, some Republican politician will claim that Social Security is going to be insolvent because more money will be coming out of the system than going in for a certain amount of time. Back in the early 80s, payroll taxes were increased to help finance the Reagan tax cuts for the rich. In return, those extra payroll taxes represented a guarantee in the law stating that full benefits would be paid out even at the cost of raising income taxes. Since then, we've been bombarded with nonsense about how the Treasury has mere IOUs and scraps of paper to cover the Baby Boomers. No, we have the full faith and credit of the United States government backing those notes.
Now, I can only imagine what the Sunday shows and certain "news" channels will tell us. I can just see the sweet old actors telling you to call Congress to protect your Social Security. We can expect instances of "protect your Social Security by betting on the stock market" to return. Since elderly voters show up in greater numbers on Election Day than disabled people, our representatives will favor the elderly over the disabled in the zero sum game they will have rigged.
Yes, I saw a feature on increased mortality for middle aged white men that blamed narcotic medication but then I saw another that suggested the cause and effect was backwards in the initial report. The increase in white male mortality happened to follow shortly after the economic collapse under Bush. The increase in mortality followed the group that lost the most jobs and the most wealth: non-college educated white men. (Minorities and women suffered a lot as well but the white men had the furthest to fall.) The deaths are just as attributable to alcohol overdoses and obvious suicides as to Chris Christie's formerly rich lawyer friend hurting his back while living the ideal life and then losing it all due to getting addicted while recovering from what might have only seemed like a lot of pain to someone who doesn't experience it every day.
I didn't feel better in the morning. If the anti-medication crowd gets its way, it will be much more than a ten second nightmare for me.
The problem (heh...one problem) is that there are many other things I could be doing wrong by sabotaging myself. Where is the line separating an honest failure to apply resources properly from failing to try? When I look at others in similar situations, I see only people who couldn't do it. They tried to make their move and failed. There's nothing wrong with that. In my case, I fall apart trying to talk about important business on the phone. Melissa does much better but her scheduling calendar has two categoriesL work and sleep. She hasn't had time to help so the problem sits and festers.
Every once in a while, there's a bit of bad news that probably has nothing to do with me. There's no direct connection anyway so that lacking allows the news to sneak up on me. This time, it was a mortality statistic involving white middle aged men. While everyone else is living longer, men in a cohort with a range of 44 to whatever number of years old are dying younger. Let's just pretend that you care and asked about the link to me. Well, the conclusion of this study is these men are dying from pain medication. The news reports went on to cite certain prescriptions that I know are less dangerous than the ones I'm on.
As the usually very intelligent host listed statistics, I tried to place them in context and failed horribly to comfort myself. I take my medication according to the prescriptions. That gives me a considerable amount of protection, of course, so I started to feel better about risky medication. I had one of my little ten second nightmares featuring my doctors taking me off my main pain medication. The doctor who owns the practice offered me a dream apology in that authoritative but not accusatory tone that has gotten us through a crisis oe or a dispute that turned out to be a misunderstanding.
The apology was over having to take me off all my effective pain meds and putting me back on over the counter meds. He explained that it was about "the government" but I understood the dream shorthand. Kids who were trying to get high on their parents' medication were dying. Since their parents refused to be responsible and lock away their meds, I had to give up mine. I was too horrified to react in that dream paralysis. My ultimate fear isn't dying from some unlikely overdose. I fear being left to die very slowly in agony over the course of years. I considered reaching out to a smuggler but the entire station was under a medical embargo. (Somehow, the dream relocated me to "Babylon 5" but I'm just realizing that 12 hours later.) I was left with no alternatives since I was being punished for someone else's crime.
Now, as a liberal Democrat, I am very quick to embrace complexity. People are dying and the fact that many of them were dying from behaving foolishly doesn't matter to me. Well, I suppose it matters some but not as much as it does with others. My difficulty trusting myself has led me to a lot of questions starting with "What if I am an addict and don't know it..." but I've gotten better about suppressing that fear these days. My favorite shrink trusts me as do my medical doctors. Try to protect the sick with addiction folks along with the just plain foolish enough to try getting high once or twice but not at the expense of my suffering.
Governor Christie had some sort of small campaign event about drug addiction within the past few days where he said some sensible things. When a guy like that starts talking sense, you know he's up to something. I don't mean anything illegal or even dishonest per se. It might even make sense in his head but I can all but guarantee you that alternatives to prison for drug offenders will turn into a ban on another whole class of useful medications that can be misused. When that happens, despair will have me by the throat instead of the ankle.
Am I being hypocritical with regard to this versus my positions concerning gun control? That started off as a tough one but I came to the fundamental flaw in the hypocrisy argument. Narcotic medication is not designed to kill people whereas assault rifles and handguns are designed with lethal force against other humans as their primary function. That gives me a leg to stand on in any case.
My arguments may be decent but the outlook for this nation isn't. The Republicans have started up on "entitlement reform" again which is code for hurting those of us who need Social Security or Social Security Disability for most or all of our income. The last trick involved an attempt to combine the two major Social Security programs so that the disabled and the elderly would have to fight it out over the same dollars. This is a tricky little move because it takes advantage of voting patterns and human nature.
Do I believe that the elderly are out to starve the disabled? That's a complicated question because there's more to it than meets the eye. I do not believe that any single senior citizen would take one dollar away from me. Generally, I believe that individuals are honest but there will be plenty of dog whistles and lines between the lines. Think of how dishonest Social Security related ads are already. Every five minutes or so, some Republican politician will claim that Social Security is going to be insolvent because more money will be coming out of the system than going in for a certain amount of time. Back in the early 80s, payroll taxes were increased to help finance the Reagan tax cuts for the rich. In return, those extra payroll taxes represented a guarantee in the law stating that full benefits would be paid out even at the cost of raising income taxes. Since then, we've been bombarded with nonsense about how the Treasury has mere IOUs and scraps of paper to cover the Baby Boomers. No, we have the full faith and credit of the United States government backing those notes.
Now, I can only imagine what the Sunday shows and certain "news" channels will tell us. I can just see the sweet old actors telling you to call Congress to protect your Social Security. We can expect instances of "protect your Social Security by betting on the stock market" to return. Since elderly voters show up in greater numbers on Election Day than disabled people, our representatives will favor the elderly over the disabled in the zero sum game they will have rigged.
Yes, I saw a feature on increased mortality for middle aged white men that blamed narcotic medication but then I saw another that suggested the cause and effect was backwards in the initial report. The increase in white male mortality happened to follow shortly after the economic collapse under Bush. The increase in mortality followed the group that lost the most jobs and the most wealth: non-college educated white men. (Minorities and women suffered a lot as well but the white men had the furthest to fall.) The deaths are just as attributable to alcohol overdoses and obvious suicides as to Chris Christie's formerly rich lawyer friend hurting his back while living the ideal life and then losing it all due to getting addicted while recovering from what might have only seemed like a lot of pain to someone who doesn't experience it every day.
I didn't feel better in the morning. If the anti-medication crowd gets its way, it will be much more than a ten second nightmare for me.
Monday, November 2, 2015
I Learned to Like Mondays
Late this evening or early this morning, I felt utterly deprived of rest. I had listed my many ways of staying happy despite the grind of a life in constant pain. With most of my teeth broken, I had learned new degrees of pain that should have left the old ones in the dust. Unfortunately, Fall has arrived and, like Spring, it is an "in between season" that deprives me of energy and aggravates my arthritis and fibromyalgia. I find myself in need of money for living expenses, medicine, money for bills and in need of a bottle of whiskey to make the pain go away.
In terms of helpless feelings, it made me think of returning to school on Monday morning after a dissastisfying weekend. By chance, the Boomtown Rats' song, "I Don't Like Mondays" played on the New Wave Music Channel and I remembered things in amazing clarity. While I never learned to like Monday mornings very much, Mondays after I boarded the school bus or got behind the wheel of a car became a different story. There came a point when I'd been fed up with helplessness and Mondays became the days on which I came back into precious conspiracies of friendship.
Things were terrible at home and things were just about as bad with my peers in school when I met an angel as in a metaphorical messenger of God. After rough weekeends when I doubted any given reason for living on, I looked forward to seeing her because I would feel better. Strangely, I was never attracted to her but only to the feeling of relief gained from her wise counsel, her ability to grant healing and just one of room light smiles. Much later, I learned of others with this quality known as charisma. I never did stop thinking of her as an angel and as a good person destined for great things.
Not surprisingly, my imagination offered exotic career paths for her and yet I thought of her only rarely during that wonderful and exciting period of my life that led me to meet Melissa. That changed when I got sick with Chiari. The present is painful and draining and it's difficult to see where I do any good. I believe that I was reacting pretty naturally when I wished to escape into my past and I devoted the occasional hour to doing so. If only I found a way to contact her, I would explain how she was so important to my life. When I had expressed that, I would see if there was a tiny bit of room to share in our lives.
When I managed to make contact against considerable odds, she didn't know how to react. Of course, I should have predicted it all. Since she was never the type to think too highly of herself, my praise struck her as weird. Of course, I used the metaphor of older sister instead of angel because I didn't want to frighten her with excessively high praise. I find nothing excessive about it since so many do the Lord's work even if they are not believers but I withheld it anyway to attempt a comfort level.
I didn't realize that her essential discomfort was so like mine. I got sick from something you almost never get better from when I was 25 and I remain sick. One of my coping mechanisms is to avoid dwelling on the implications of being 40-something. No! I'm still 25, there is a cure for Chiari and, while I'm in denial land, I'm still on the verge of achieving great things.This version of me never learned that "I Don't Like Mondays" was a song expressing the horror and confusion of school shootings all the way back in the early 80s. This imaginary younger me is escapism but it's better than hoping I'll get some whiskey before the next time my pain gets out of control.
I blame the brain damage but she came right out and told me that she doesn't like to think about having a kid. In her case, I can imagine why since she has achieved so much that I never anticipated. Obviously, I expected her to find her someone but she has remained an activist who leads by example instead of just advising others. She made choices along the way and choice always leads to pondering the other option no matter how unseriously. I don't know what that's like because I met Melissa, started to believe myself, got married and then had all choice taken from me by Chiari. That was my last decision and it was a good one.
Anyway, my curiosity made me ignore one stark fact. There was no room in her very full life for me and this was okay. I promised myself long ago that I would walk away when I realized the truth. I've realized it so now I shall. Farewell, old friend. Obviously, I would offer any aid you required that was within my power but I don't have much these days. Needless to say, I won't be looking for some excuse to "help." I gave up that vice decades ago. Farewell.
Of course, I do still like Mondays and the possibilities that they imply. That was a wonderful gift from an angel decades ago.
In terms of helpless feelings, it made me think of returning to school on Monday morning after a dissastisfying weekend. By chance, the Boomtown Rats' song, "I Don't Like Mondays" played on the New Wave Music Channel and I remembered things in amazing clarity. While I never learned to like Monday mornings very much, Mondays after I boarded the school bus or got behind the wheel of a car became a different story. There came a point when I'd been fed up with helplessness and Mondays became the days on which I came back into precious conspiracies of friendship.
Things were terrible at home and things were just about as bad with my peers in school when I met an angel as in a metaphorical messenger of God. After rough weekeends when I doubted any given reason for living on, I looked forward to seeing her because I would feel better. Strangely, I was never attracted to her but only to the feeling of relief gained from her wise counsel, her ability to grant healing and just one of room light smiles. Much later, I learned of others with this quality known as charisma. I never did stop thinking of her as an angel and as a good person destined for great things.
Not surprisingly, my imagination offered exotic career paths for her and yet I thought of her only rarely during that wonderful and exciting period of my life that led me to meet Melissa. That changed when I got sick with Chiari. The present is painful and draining and it's difficult to see where I do any good. I believe that I was reacting pretty naturally when I wished to escape into my past and I devoted the occasional hour to doing so. If only I found a way to contact her, I would explain how she was so important to my life. When I had expressed that, I would see if there was a tiny bit of room to share in our lives.
When I managed to make contact against considerable odds, she didn't know how to react. Of course, I should have predicted it all. Since she was never the type to think too highly of herself, my praise struck her as weird. Of course, I used the metaphor of older sister instead of angel because I didn't want to frighten her with excessively high praise. I find nothing excessive about it since so many do the Lord's work even if they are not believers but I withheld it anyway to attempt a comfort level.
I didn't realize that her essential discomfort was so like mine. I got sick from something you almost never get better from when I was 25 and I remain sick. One of my coping mechanisms is to avoid dwelling on the implications of being 40-something. No! I'm still 25, there is a cure for Chiari and, while I'm in denial land, I'm still on the verge of achieving great things.This version of me never learned that "I Don't Like Mondays" was a song expressing the horror and confusion of school shootings all the way back in the early 80s. This imaginary younger me is escapism but it's better than hoping I'll get some whiskey before the next time my pain gets out of control.
I blame the brain damage but she came right out and told me that she doesn't like to think about having a kid. In her case, I can imagine why since she has achieved so much that I never anticipated. Obviously, I expected her to find her someone but she has remained an activist who leads by example instead of just advising others. She made choices along the way and choice always leads to pondering the other option no matter how unseriously. I don't know what that's like because I met Melissa, started to believe myself, got married and then had all choice taken from me by Chiari. That was my last decision and it was a good one.
Anyway, my curiosity made me ignore one stark fact. There was no room in her very full life for me and this was okay. I promised myself long ago that I would walk away when I realized the truth. I've realized it so now I shall. Farewell, old friend. Obviously, I would offer any aid you required that was within my power but I don't have much these days. Needless to say, I won't be looking for some excuse to "help." I gave up that vice decades ago. Farewell.
Of course, I do still like Mondays and the possibilities that they imply. That was a wonderful gift from an angel decades ago.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)